On May 2nd, I found out I was pregnant.

I was in complete shock! This wasn’t planned, this wasn’t something I was ready for till a couple of years from now. I was scared, I was nervous and my anxiety came back full swing. It took about a month to really sink in. I was finally ready to accept the fact that I could not change the situation, but I can change the way I felt about it. So I started to look at the positive side of things. Jude having a sibling, a whole new energy in the house and all the excitement that a baby brings. 

This pregnancy felt different…

When I was pregnant of Jude, I had the worst morning AND afternoon sickness that lasted well into the second trimester. This time I didn’t! Which was great, but boy was I tired and cold! Some days I didn’t even feel pregnant. Knowing that every pregnancy is different, I found comfort in the fact that I didn’t have any morning sickness and that this would be a much easier 40 weeks.

When I found out I was pregnant of Jude, everyone knew within a week. This time, no one knew. It was mostly because I was nervous about everyone’s reaction. I’ve witnessed a few disappointing reactions to pregnancy announcements in my family (towards my mother’s fifth and sixth child) and I didn’t want to be a disappointment. Making sure I am never viewed as my mother is a struggle I’ve lived with for a long time. I wanted to tell specific people, but you can’t do something like that over the phone.

On May 24th…

I went out to dinner with my friend and I told her the news. I probably should have waited when we were out of the car, but she asked me something and my response was “I can’t for 9 months”. A loud screech of joy and so much love filled words came out! I never expected I would get that kind of reaction from anyone, I never thought I would get that kind of reaction ever, but I did. It felt great. Because of her, it awakened my excitement for my new baby, but the universe had different plans for us.

On June 4th…

I woke up in the morning with some mild cramping and a brownish discharge with a little blood in it. I know that brown discharge is usually old blood coming out, but I wasn’t sure about the blood mixed in, so I called the maternity ward at the hospital. Unfortunately because I was only about 10 weeks along, I wasn’t able to go directly to the maternity ward and I would have to go to emergency instead. The nurse was very reassuring that it was normal and as long as I wasn’t bleeding through a pad every hour, that I would be fine. All I had to do was take it easy and I had my first appointment with the obstetrician the very next day. Well throughout the day, my cramping got worse and more blood came out and I was starting to get really concerned. By 12 am, I woke up knowing I had to go to the hospital.

On June 5th… (12:30 am) 

Arriving at the hospital, the emergency room wasn’t too crazy and I was seen by the triage nurse very quickly. After a couple of hours being there, I went to the washroom and there was blood everywhere, as well as 15 blood clots and at that moment, I knew.

Doctor saw me within 30 minutes (which felt like a lifetime) and told me that I most likely lost the baby. Did a “mini” ultrasound and saw right away that I didn’t have a baby. Instead I was bleeding like crazy. The baby actually never developed but I had a placenta. With the amount of blood I was losing, the doctor was very concerned and told me I would have to stay overnight and most likely get a surgery called D&C (dilation and curettage).

By 5am, I was given an IV drip and I was alone and terrified. I felt empty and my soul was hurting and more so, I thought I was dying. I felt guilt for not fully wanting our baby. This was all happening because of me. My mind was running a mile a minute, thinking of all these negative thoughts and hate towards myself. Because my emotions were all over the place, I felt it would be the right time to let people know what was going on. The amount of love that I got from everyone I told was overwhelming. It helped heal my soul a little, but then all I kept thinking about was Jude. I wanted to see him, I wanted to be with him, I wanted a kiss from him-I missed him.

A fever started…

I had an ultrasound and where the technician was going over my stomach, I immediately felt pain. He didn’t say a thing to me. I asked him if there was something else other than not having a baby. His only response ” Your doctor will be coming to see you shortly to give you your results.”. Fear sunk in real deep. That was it, there was something wrong with me. About 30 minutes after being brought back to my room and getting my temperature taken, I had a fever. The doctor came and told me that I would have to get the surgery done and that the placenta was stuck. From then on, everything moved quickly. They informed me that I would only get the surgery done by late afternoon but thankfully it was much sooner!

15 hours total…

The surgery was over, my fever had gone away and I was ready to make my way home! Recovery from the actual surgery takes about a day or so, but I never would have thought that the antibiotics would be the toughest part. I dealt with a ton of side effects and my days felt dark. After a week, I was over taking my pills and then I could move on to feeling like myself again. As hard as this experience has been, the universe knew it wasn’t the right time and I’m okay with that. It helps to know that the baby never developed, but I still feel like I lost someone who would have been special to us. Miscarriages happen all the time and during those times of loss, you really need loving and supportive people by your side. I’m still dealing with this but with time, I’ll be okay.

Because of this experience, it woke up something inside me. Thoughts of death that controlled my mind, made me realize that I need to live my life being who I am, instead of being a “controlled” version of myself. Although I am fully aware of all my foibles, I still struggle with self-acceptance. I constantly analyze every single little tiny detail of myself. I try to stay far away from being and sounding like my mom and dad, that its become so consuming and I don’t even know who I am anymore. My personality doesn’t shine through. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I won’t. I will stop hiding from myself and be true to who I am, unapologetically. I am on a journey of self-acceptance and self-discovery.

I am finally letting myself in…

Thank you to every person who sent me sweet messages and so much love my way. Without you, I wouldn’t have found a way to smile during my darkest moments. I love you xox

-Kristeena